


Give Not Thyself Up

by Bizarra



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s05e26 Equinox, F/M, Missing Scene, relationship subtext
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 09:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16513421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bizarra/pseuds/Bizarra
Summary: Early that morning, or very late the previous night - Chakotay wasn’t sure; sleep wasn’t something he’d done since before they’d heard from the Equinox - Kathryn had reinstated him. He’d dutifully put his uniform back on and gone back to the bridge. He had kept his distance though, trying to suss her out. She was, as usual, keeping a tight lid on her emotions and barreling through the aftermath. Chakotay had a feeling there would be repercussions, but those wouldn’t happen until she stopped and allowed herself to take a good, long look at the last two days. That is, if Kathryn ever let herself stop.





	Give Not Thyself Up

**Author's Note:**

> Star Trek Voyager and it’s characters are owned by CBS/Paramount. I don’t own them. I’m just playing in the universe.

_“Give not thyself up, then, to fire, lest it invert thee, deaden thee; as for the time it did me. There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness."_  
\-- Herman Melville, Moby Dick

 

Chakotay sat length-wise on his couch, sock-footed feet crossed at the ankles, nursing a steaming cup of Vulcan spice tea. He’d made the requisite appearance to the potluck that Neelix put together for crew’s morale; he dropped off a salad, had a quick dinner, and made small talk while waiting to see if Kathryn would show. When she hadn’t, he finally gave up and left. There was some part of him that was glad she didn’t show. He honestly hadn’t been ready to spend time with her outside of a duty shift.

He held a book open on his lap, but barely paid attention to it. Chakotay was still trying to process the last two days and had read the same paragraph two times before giving up. The irony of the book he’d been trying to read - Moby Dick - wasn’t lost on him. He turned toward the viewport behind him and watched as the stars sped past. He sighed and took another, deeper drink of his tea. The heat scalded his throat and he winced. 

Yesterday, they’d run across the Equinox and Captain Ransom. By the evening, his own captain had become someone Chakotay wasn’t sure he knew, or even wanted to know. He tried talking to Kathryn, tried to get her to see reason; but, instead of listening to his opinions, and at least taking them into consideration, she’d relieved him of duty. For a fleeting moment, the thought occurred to Chakotay that maybe she was the one who needed to be relieved of duty. The moment the thought appeared, he’d sent it away; he’d never do that to Kathryn. Chakotay had faith, perhaps misguided, though he hoped not, that she would do the right thing, in the end.

Kathryn must have seen a brief flash of the thought in his eyes. They’d always been able to read each other so well. It’s what made them a command team to contend with. Separately, they were each a force to be reckoned with, but, together, they were unstoppable. She’d confined him to quarters after a brief hesitation and an intake of breath, as if her mind had just caught up to what her mouth had said. With no further comment to her, he’d simply left her to her thoughts.

Early that morning, or very late the previous night - Chakotay wasn’t sure; sleep wasn’t something he’d done since before they’d heard from the Equinox - Kathryn had reinstated him. He’d dutifully put his uniform back on and gone back to the bridge. He had kept his distance though, trying to suss her out. She was, as usual, keeping a tight lid on her emotions and barreling through the aftermath. Chakotay had a feeling there would be repercussions, but those wouldn’t happen until she stopped and allowed herself to take a good, long look at the last two days. That is, if Kathryn ever let herself stop.

Chakotay turned when he heard the door to his quarters slide open, and the subject of his thoughts walked in and headed straight for the kitchenette, like she owned the place. He hadn’t heard his chime at all, which meant she’d used her override. Presumptuous of her to assume he was alone, though he knew that Kathryn knew damned well he’d be alone. He noticed she wasn’t fully in uniform; her jacket and turtleneck clearly left behind in her quarters. She wore only the black pants and grey T-shirt, and was barefoot. 

Chakotay furrowed his brows as he watched her open a cabinet and pull two small glasses out. He guessed they were to accompany the bottle she had clutched in one hand. His gaze moved to the bottle and saw it was whiskey. All right, if she was going to play that game, he could use the belt, anyway. Given the strength of the succor in the bottle, He had a feeling he was about to face the ‘repercussions’.

He lightly tossed the book to the couch and turned toward the coffee table as Kathryn approached. She set both glasses, and the bottle, down on the table. Chakotay noticed the bottle was just under three-quarters full, which meant she’d had a head start. With a twist of her wrist, Kathryn opened the bottle, poured two glasses of the amber liquor, and wordlessly pushed one glass toward him. 

She pulled a PADD out of her hip pocket, unintentionally scattering pips across the carpet. He watched as Kathryn glanced at the deck and disregarded her rank insignia with a slight grimace, then met his eyes. She unceremoniously tossed the PADD on the table, between them, and dropped into the chair next to the couch.

Chakotay just watched, unsure of where her mind was at this moment. She was clearly on her way to a solid drunk. He searched out the pips that were scattered, mentally cataloguing the location of each one. His gaze moved to her face, noting the whiskey-dulled pain in her eyes. “Kathryn …”

She threw back the contents of the shot glass in one gulp and hissed as the heat slid down her throat. When Kathryn spoke, her voice was deeper than usual, owing, he assumed, to the drink. “I’m transferring command to you.” Chakotay watched her rub her forehead, then gesture to the PADD. “You’re hereby promoted to Captain. The pips are...” she lowered her eyes to look around, “...are on the deck, somewhere.”

That was not what he’d been expecting. Chakotay picked up his glass and quickly downed the liquid. He closed his eyes and steeled himself for the coming conversation. Chakotay inhaled deeply and blew the breath out in a sigh. “No.”

“No?” she asked, indignantly. “That wasn’t a suggestion, Commander,” Kathryn drawled angrily. She half-stood and reached again for the bottle. She gave Chakotay a glare when he pulled it out of her reach.

“You’re drunk.”

Kathryn gracelessly flopped back into the chair. “Not drunk enough.” Her eyes met his and he could see the pain etched deep in the grey-blue depths before she hardened her gaze. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that change of subject.”

Chakotay scooted off the couch, onto one knee, and picked up the pips he could see, one at a time. Noting one was missing, he scanned under the chair and couch. “Where is the fourth one?” he asked with thinly veiled annoyance.

Chakotay watched as she sighed, looked around the grey carpet, then felt the outside of her pocket. Kathryn lifted one hip and stuck a hand in the pocket, then pulled a pip from inside and sat again. He flattened his hand, waiting for her to set the wayward pip in his waiting palm. When she did, his hand closed around hers.

She tried to pull her hand away, but Chakotay tightened his hold. “Kathryn, why are you doing this?”

“I would think that was obvious!” Kathryn mustered all of her strength to the pull and yanked her hand free.

“Is it?” he snapped and tossed the final pip into the hand that held the others, then dropped that hand sharply down onto the table, leaving the insignia behind. Chakotay stood, grabbed the bottle, and refilled both their glasses. He picked up her glass and stepped the short distance to hand it to her. 

Chakotay picked up his own, thunked down on the couch, and tossed the drink back. He set the empty glass down, hard, on the table, and rubbed his face. He tried to reign in his anger; the last thing Kathryn needed was for him to be angry. But he was. Gods dammit, he was very angry. Chakotay stood and walked to the end of the couch, opposite the chair she sat in. He leaned against the bulkhead and said softly: “I would have died for you.”

“What?”

He turned. “If the situations were reversed; if Ransom had been questioning me about Voyager’s whereabouts, I would have died before giving you up.” His anger bled into his voice. “There’s not a person on this ship who would have betrayed you, Kathryn. Why in the Hell did you think Lessing would have given up his captain?” Chakotay widened his arms in frustration, then pointed as he yelled. “And what gets me is that a little part of me thinks you knew that! I don’t want to think that the woman I love is capable of that!”

The moment it was out of his mouth, Chakotay realized what he’d unintentionally said, and his anger fled, immediately. He turned his back to her and struck his open palm against the bulkhead in frustration. “I’m sorry, I should not have said that,” he apologized in a much quieter and contrite voice. “It was out of line and uncalled for.” When he turned, Kathryn was standing barely inches from him and he startled.

Kathryn wrapped her arms around his waist and dropped her head against his chest. He closed her into a tight embrace and held her. After a few moments in his arms, he heard her say, quietly: “I’m so tired, Chakotay.” Kathryn lifted her head to look at him. “Today, I stripped the ranks from the surviving Equinox crew for many reasons, not the least of which was murdering innocent lifeforms. What I did - nearly did - if you hadn’t stopped me, was no different.” She sighed and pulled away, moving to the couch. “I should, by all rights, be in the brig right now, for attempted murder.”

Chakotay moved to sit next to her. “You were questioning him in the line of duty.”

She laughed bitterly. ”You don’t believe that, you just said so.”

“You were right to question him, Kathryn, you just used the wrong way to go about it.”

She waved her hand up. “Semantics, Commander.” Kathryn paused for a very short moment and gestured toward the pips, correcting herself: “Captain.”

He shook his head. “I’ve already told you no. Voyager is your ship, she always will be.” Chakotay picked up the PADD and set it back into her lap. “There’s only one way I’d take her captaincy, and that is not a moment I want to ever contemplate.”

“Chakotay, please.” The look in her eyes was very nearly his undoing. “I need to step away.”

He sighed and reached for the PADD. “What you need is a leave of absence.” He turned on the PADD and read her orders, transferring the ship to him and promoting him to captain, while leaving instructions that once he took command, officially, she would be stripped of rank to crewman.

Chakotay shook his head and looked at the woman next to him. Her gaze was fixed to the deck at her feet as he read. He hooked a finger under her chin to pull her eyes to his. He then took one of her hands, and lifted the PADD with the his other to emphasize. “I’m not doing this.” Chakotay tossed the PADD on the table and took Kathryn’s other hand. He watched as a tear slipped down her cheek.

“I will compromise.” He let his thumbs drift over her hands, giving comfort. “I will assume command, but not the rank, until you are ready to take your bridge back.” He nodded toward the PADD. “I will, however, honor your request, temporarily, to be busted down to crewman, because I think you do need to get the weight of those four pips off your shoulders for a while.”

Chakotay smiled when she nodded her agreement. He lifted one finger. “But, Crewman Janeway, after taking a few days off, I want you to be an able-bodied member of this crew.”

“I’m not scrubbing plasma manifolds.”

Chakotay laughed. For the first time, in at least two days, he honestly laughed. He was also pleased to see a smile creep onto her face. “Dammit, they really need it.”

Now a genuine smile brightened her face. “No.”

He turned serious. “Kathryn, I want you to do what you love. Put on a blue uniform and help Sam in Sciences, or put on gold and help B’Elanna in Engineering, or, hell, do both.” He gave her hands a squeeze and stood to walk to the replicator. Chakotay ordered a coffee, then walked across to hand it to her. “You’ve had enough liquor for tonight.” She took the cup with a thank you, took a ginger sip, then set it on the table.

He watched as she stood; stepped up to him; lay both hands on each side of his face, and pulled him into a deep kiss. His arms wrapped tightly around her as he opened his mouth to hers. She tasted of a mix of whiskey, coffee, and Kathryn. Before he let himself get completely lost in the kiss, Chakotay pulled back and leaned against her forehead. “Kathryn... “ he whispered.

“I know,” she replied softly, “I just needed it.” Kathryn stepped slightly away, separating their bodies.

He nodded and wrapped her into another tight embrace, giving her all the love he couldn’t physically express until they were back on Earth. He closed his eyes, fighting his own emotion when he heard her quietly say “I love you, too”, against his chest. Chakotay gave her one more quick squeeze, and a kiss atop her head, before pulling away. “You need to sleep. You can stay here if you’d like. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Kathryn shook her head and lay her hand on his upper arm. “No, I’ll be fine, but, thank you.”

Chakotay bent and picked up the PADD. “Rewrite this to what we discussed.” He handed it back to her. “I’ll stop by in the morning to pick it up. Once we’ve made the,” he pointed, reminding her again, “temporary change, I want you to take two or three days off; actually off, Kathryn. No working. Then, you can report for duty wherever you’ve decided.” 

She nodded. “Thank you, Chakotay.”

He followed closely, his hand on her upper back as she started for the door. Kathryn stopped just before the door triggered and turned to him. “I’m sorry.” He felt her hand gently settle on his chest, in the familiar spot over his heart. Chakotay lay his hand over hers as she continued: “For everything in the last couple days. I’m so sorry.”

Chakotay shook his head and squeezed her hand. “There’s nothing to forgive on my part. I want you to go sleep, heal, and work on forgiving yourself.” He smiled softly. “If you ever, ever, need to talk, no matter what time of day or night, I’m just a combadge away.” He let her hand go. “Now, go sleep. Ship’s business can wait until tomorrow.”

Kathryn smiled warmly at him. “Good night, Chakotay.” She stepped forward and the door slid open.

Just before she turned to leave, Chakotay replied: “Sleep well, Kathryn.”

He watched the closed door for a moment, before turning back to clean up the dirty dishes. Chakotay put the lid back onto the whiskey bottle and grabbed the glasses. Moving to the kitchenette, he set the glasses in the dish refresher, to clean them, then put the bottle in the cabinet that held the other few bottles of liquor he kept.

That finished, Chakotay walked over to his couch and picked up the book he’d been reading. He contemplated the white whale on the cover and gave it a tap against his hand before sliding it back into its place on the shelf. Giving the book one last glance, Chakotay shook his head and moved into the bedroom. He sat on his bed, took off his combadge, and set it on the nightstand, easily within reach. He gave a small smile of hope that, perhaps, tomorrow would be a better day; one that would take them that much closer to home, and finally to the peace they all so desperately needed.


End file.
